Breaking the Belt of Abuse

A few years back, my oldest daughter gave up her legal rights to her children. Handing them over to her ex-husband and his new wife. I, being their grandmother was devastated and could not believe my daughter could have been so cold and selfish. She was actually their hero, and they may never know that!

My daughter did what she felt was best for them, and she broke the cycle of child abuse in our family, thank God!

I had never wanted to raise my kids the way my mother had raised me. Mom was good at instilling important values in us, and I was able to teach those to my children, as well, but, Mom also used a tremendous amount of negative reinforcement in the raising of me and my siblings. She only repeated how she'd been raised by her father. From all the stories I've heard about Grandpa over the years, he was horribly physically and mentally abusive to my mother. She was the oldest of six children. He made her responsible for everything they did, meaning that if they misbehaved or did any kind of damage, she was the one who bore the welts from the belt or green tree switch. He blamed her for everything that was wrong in his life, his marriage and the family. Mom's never gotten over that, and she did pass that along to me, her eldest child.

There were times when Mom beat me and my sister so badly that we bled, and my sister actually came down with a fever from infection from the open wounds. Mom blamed me for any dirt left on the floors or dishes. She blamed me for her own illnesses. When she went into the hospital one time, I went to visit her and before the doctor had the chance to tell her that the swelling on her body and the hives she had was from an allergy to a particular medication she'd been taking, she chose to scream at me in front of my boyfriend, telling me that "I" was the reason she was in the hospital. That "I" had caused her to become so ill, and "I" almost killed her because "I" would not do as I was told, etc. I left the hospital in tears and humiliated. What could I possibly have done to cause her to almost die? Of course, I felt vindicated when Dad told us that it was simply an allergy to her medications, but she never apologized to me for that, and to this day, she says she doesn't recall telling me that. Well, I never forgot.

These kinds of mental abuse, coupled with physical abuse scar the mind to a degree that we never get over it and we tend to pass it on to our children. The only thing I did do right in raising my children was teaching them that they were individuals with minds of their own. That their opinions counted and that they could do anything they set their minds to do. I wanted them to grow up to be independent successful young adults, and by God, they did! But, unfortunately, yes, I was just as abusive to my oldest daughter in the first few "formative" years as my mother had been to me. When I realized what was happening, it was far too late for her. I didn't continue the abuse with the subsequent children because I knew it was wrong to do so. Yet, I still didn't treat my oldest the way I should have even after I realized my mistake, but it was because I'd damaged her psyche too much already and she was acting out against me. I had to defend myself, and she had to defend herself. It was a constant battle, even into her adult years, and I'm ashamed.

So, when she and her husband got divorced, and he demanded full custody and legal rights to the kids, my daughter didn't fight him. She made a hard decision, but she saved her children from a life such as her own.

My grandchildren were brought up in a loving home with a loving and supportive family around them. I missed them, of course, but she was right to do what she did. She thought of them first. She knew she didn't have the proper parenting skills, even though, I believe she was doing quite well from what I could see and they loved her so very much, but only she knows her own mind, and she knows what she was capable of. She also knew she didn't have the resources to give them the kind of life they deserved, and she wasn't sure if she ever would have them, so she did what she felt was best for them at the time. She truly loved her children, and she still does. I still love her very much. I'm so sorry for how I raised her. I wish I'd been the kind of mother I'd always said I would be, but instead, I turned out to be just like my mother, who was just like her father, who was just like his mother, etc.

A Faire Love!

My one true love over the past four years has been the Renaissance Festival / Medieval Faire. I fell in love with it beginning in Muskogee, Oklahoma, where I resided for five years, but for one reason or another, I chose not to attend, until the last year I lived there.

I owned a Native American gift shop there, and one day a gentleman, wearing the most beautiful Apache style moccasin boots wandered into my shop to look for a Ribbon shirt for the Scottish Ceilidh, or Kaleigh? It was a party and dance being held at the Castle of Muskogee, where the faire was also being held. I inquired of him regarding his boots, as perhaps, I'd like to start carrying them in my store. He sent the gentleman to me who had made the boots, he and his partner invited me to the dance and the faire that weekend, and the rest became history! I attended the faire and fell madly in love with it, as I'd loved nothing before in my life. I'd attended Native American Powwows for over 20 years, and loved them, but even those did not make me fall madly in love.

There's something about the Renaissance Festival that just brings out a hidden part of oneself that perhaps, you didn't even know existed. Within one weekend at this faire, my entire life was changed, including my own name and identity! What magic spell had been forced upon me, unawares?

By the end of that week, I'd been given the name, "Jezebel", which quickly became "Jezzy". I was asked to work for someone at a faire in Ohio near Lake Eerie. Now, I had a store to run, but as I'd learned from doing a powwow one weekend and leaving my store in the care of even my very best friend, I could not trust anyone. So, I was faced with a dilemma. Stay and continue to operate my store, which did well, but wasn't really going where I'd hoped it would, or take a chance and accept this job offer. I'd decided to compromise. So, I called my shop landlord, told her I was closing for the summer, going on vacation to try my hand at this new experience and I'd be back to make my decision for the future.

It took only the first weekend at the Great Lakes Medieval Faire for me to decide that this was, indeed, what I wanted to do for the rest of my life! It was an easy choice for me, for some reason. By the third weekend, the people I'd come to love became so enamored of me, that they dubbed me, "Jezzy, their Pirate Queen"! I fit in with the vendors, with the entertainers, with the "playtrons"! I loved them, and they loved me just as much! So, I asked around for another "gig" at another faire, and was easily picked up to work a faire two weeks after this one was to end. I took those two weeks to go back to Oklahoma, close up my shop, put everything I owned into storage and trek quickly back to Ohio to work my second faire. I did this for a couple of years, just working two faires in Ohio, which was where my family lived, anyway, and a faire in North Carolina, until I was propositioned by another vendor to work full time, traveling from faire to faire. They offered me quite a lot of money and benefits, so I jumped on it! I got to work four faires in Florida, one in Tennessee and still work the two in Ohio and made plans to work in Pennsylvania, New York and Michigan, as well. Unfortunately, my mother's ill health forced me to make another hard decision, to continue working full time on the road, or give it up and stay closer to home. I chose, of course, to stay close to my mother.

The good thing about working the faires is that if you need to take time off, you can, and you can still go back to work when you're ready. It happened that while I was working at the Great Lakes Faire last year still for my full time boss, my mother had a heart attack and heart surgery. They understood that I needed to take time off from the faires to help her. Unfortunately, during this same time, I also injured my back pretty severely. So, after 7 months of much physical therapy and lots of meds, and being as my mom is in stable condition now, I decided I was ready to get back out there and do it again.

I just returned home from my very first weekend back out on the Faire circuit and I feel GREAT! I suffered through a great deal of pain, still, but I don't care, I know this is what I love to do and I will continue to do it until I'm actually physically unable to do so. It was wonderful to be working hard again, seeing my friends and tending to my loyal customers, who are just fabulous people! My heart was so happy and I'm full of joy now. I still have to take it easy to a point and I'm still on many drugs, but I can still do this job and as long as there is work to be done at the faires, I'm there! It is my chosen lifestyle, and until I die, I'm in Heaven on Earth at the Faires! Huzzah!